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Fart Offs
Most of the time, a
fish has only four responses to an upper classman's
questions:
- "Yes, sir";
- "No, sir";
- "No excuse, sir"; and
- "Sir, not being informed to the
highest degree of accuracy, I hesitate to articulate
for fear that I may deviate from the true course of
rectitude; in short, sir, I am a very dumb fish, sir,
and do not know, sir."
Occasionally,
one upper classman might order one or more fish to give
a specific response in a certain situation - for example,
if a junior sent another junior to the quad, the sender
might order the fish to respond, if asked by the sendee,
that the person who imitated the quadding was Santa
Claus (of course, since Santa hadn't dropped handles
with the fish, they referred to him as "Mr. Claus,
sir"). Another exception was the stock question,
"How's it hanging, fish Jones?", to which
a fish had license to respond with something humorous,
like "long and loose, ready for your use, sir",
or an a-capella rendition of "Oh, my balls hang
low…" (sung to the tune of "My Ears Hang
Low"). But there was one other category of interaction
between a fish and an upper classman that allowed a
fish a great deal of freedom of expression - the fart-off.
In the course of explaining to a fish
just how dumb the fish really was, upper classmen got
very creative in their verbal assessments. But there
was a limit to the subjects that upper classmen were
able to assault with impunity - off limits were the
fish's name, hometown, mother, or girlfriend. If an
upper classman cast aspersions about any of these, which
constituted a "fart-off", the fish was honor-bound
to respond with a verbal attack on the upper classman
to avenge the grievous insult.
That response could be as innovative as
the fish could muster. The wise fish (oxymoron?) developed
a vitriolic response in advance, and was prepared to
launch it with very little advance notice. Upper classmen,
who, of course, had been fish themselves, knew the limits,
and almost always issued a fart-off as a challenge to
see if the fish recognized that he had been farted off,
if he was prepared or had the ability to innovate on
the spot, and in expectation of being entertained by
the retort. Rather than being offended at the fish's
retort, the normal response by an upper classman was
to give the fish an assessment of the power and innovation
of that retort ("That was really weak, fish Jones;"
"Good job, fish Jones;" "Is that the
best you've got, fish Jones?", "I'm wounded,
fish Jones!" etc.). Sometimes a fish who had prepared
a response in advance, was taken by surprise by a fart-off,
and ended up blurting out, "F…k you, sir!".
This little game of intentional insult
by the upper classman, creative response by the fish,
and acknowledgement of the virility of the fish's retort
by that upper classman, served to reduce the stress
in the relationship. It was almost always the case that
when an upper classman issued a fart-off to a fish,
it was a sign that the upper classman, under other circumstances,
might consider the fish a friend. For any women reading
this, it's a guy thing - you probably wouldn't understand.
Comic Jeff Foxworthy summed it up accurately as the
fundamental difference between men and women - men insult
each other for fun, and women don't. For example, it
isn't unusual for a man to call up a friend, and initiate
the conversation with, "Bob, you bald-headed old
pervert, how the hell are you?" But you never hear
a woman say to another woman, "Sue, you fat pig,
you water-retaining sea cow, how're they shakin'?"
Here's the place where we recall our favorite
fart-off responses:
"Your Mama eats kitty litter, and
likes it!"
"Your sister hangs out on street corners, with
a mattress tied to her back, hollerin' for curb service!"
"<hometown of upper classman>? There ain't
nothin' from there but steers and queers, and I don't
see any horns around here!"
"If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave
his ass and make him walk backwards!"
John (Yankus) Yantis
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